The Art of Getting Recognized

 

Straight out of eBay. This is a marketing gem, I even want to bid just to be part of the story. Crap car with no options and the guy is making himself a star. Enjoy... 

Is this the World's Worst Car?

Of course, I'm kidding. After all, this isn't a Lada, a Trabi (Trabant), or even a Holden Camira.

It's my trusty 1989 (AE92) Toyota Corolla. And it's got nearly 300,000km on the clock.

Although it looks tired (OK, very tired), and everybody enjoys making fun of how shitty it looks, it does have some benefits.

Seriously! There are some reasons why you might want to buy this car. Don't believe me?

Well for a start, it's been driven for the last three years by a guaranteed future A-list celebrity: Steven Pam, host of Hound TV.

Would Anna Nicole Smith, Prince, or Seth Godin drive a car like this? I don't know.

But I did, and you might.... here's why:

• It never breaks. Seriously! In the ten years that this car has been in our family, the only things we've ever had to fix have been normal consumable/wear and tear/maintenance items, like tyres, clutch, battery. And even those don't need replacing very often. Yep, these babies are bulletproof - ask any mechanic.
• Unlikely to get stolen or broken into. I mean, if you were a crook, would you be looking for valuables in a car that looks like this?
  
• No car park paranoia. Some grotty nine year-old slams the door of his Mum's SUV into your car? No problem. You can even park 'by ear' yourself, if that's your style.
  

OK, so what do you get for your money?

• Engine. Toyota's stonkin' 1.6 litre, twin cam, carburetted beauty, straight from the factory. Less than 300,000km covered
• Body. Keeps the rain out. Well mostly. It does tend to pool around the driver's footwell area. But you'll be garaging it, right? I mean, it's worth it.
• Seats. Surprisingly comfortable. And very worn - especially the driver's seat
• Stereo. Well, it outputs a stereo signal, but three of the four speakers are pretty much stuffed. So I guess it's more of a 'mono' than a stereo. But anyway, it picks up both AM and FM radio, and even plays tapes (compact cassettes). Oh, and mp3s and podcasts! (You just need an iPod and one of those tape adapter thingies. Works a treat.)
  

• Air conditioning. Actually, it doesn't have air conditioning. I lied. Sorry. Try winding the window down... it's better for our planet anyway.

• Cup holders. OK, it doesn't have cup holders either. But who needs them? You shouldn't be drinking and driving anyway, you slob. I mean, look at you!

• Steering wheel. For going around corners (left or right)

• Brakes. Man, this thing can stop on a dime! Especially if you position the dime a couple of hundred meters down the road. No, seriously, the brakes work fine. Discs at the front, drums at the rear. One (or both?) of the rear drums feels a bit 'grabby' when the car hasn't been driven for a few days. New shoes would probably do the trick.
• Racing tyres. Yeah, they're like, slicks. Bald, in other words. I suggest you get new ones if you're planning on driving this thing. If you just want it for parts, or you're planning on mounting it at the top of a pole outside your business (or house!), then the current tyres should be just fine. I mean, they hold air and everything.
• Sporty 6-speed manual transmission. Well, it actually only has five forward gears, but reverse works, too, so that's six, isn't it?
  
• Lucky numbers. I will paint your lucky number (stencil or freehand) on the doors in your choice of colour, for free. Vinyl cut lettering available at extra cost.
• Celebrity photo & autograph. When you collect the car, get a photo with me handing the keys over. I'll also autograph the car's manual - or any other part you nominate.
  It's not just any autograph... I'm a genuine A-list celebrity! "How so", I hear you ask, "when I have never frickin' heard of you"?
  Look, I host Hound TV, the world's first video podcast for dogs and their owners. Podcasting is hot now, you know that. It's only a matter of time before I make my way from Z-list, to Y, and so on, until I'm a household name. Just imagine how impressed your friends will be when you tell them that your car was once owned by THE Steven Pam. It'll be just like the Seinfeld episode where George buys a car once owned by Jon Voight. Only better, because it will be YOU, not George Costanza.
• Roadworthy Certificate. Just kidding, you don't really get one. The car is sold strictly 'as is' - what you see is what you get. So if you want to register the car, you'll need to organise a RWC yourself. Of course if you just want the bits off it, want to use it as a paddock bomb, or mount it at the top of a pole... no problem!